[12/30] Direction
I have been really busy lately. And not the good kind. The *overwhelming, this sucks* kind.
And maybe it's just me, but whenever work gets like this, my brain likes to give me extra work. I start asking myself "big" questions.
Why am I even doing this? This isn't what work is
Well, what is good work then? What does it all mean?
It's all because I sit in a strange spot. I have my feet in two boats. One foot in software development, the other in structural engineering. Together, that forms this niche called computational design. And I love it. I’ve always liked using computers to solve real-world problems. Unlike normal software development, I don't have to wait. I can write a script and save someone hours on a project in a single afternoon.
And I've spent years honing that skill. Because I love it, I have some engineering experience but I have gone all in in computational design. Now, because I work in a structural consultancy, there’s pressure for me to step back into design and analysis. Into normal structural engineering.
Thing is, I don’t want to.
It feels selfish to admit that. I know I could be more valuable to the company if I deepened my structural expertise. But I worry that if I do, I’ll lose touch with the part of my work I actually enjoy. And truthfully, it’s the type of work I don’t want to do more of.
The harder part is holding that direction. My managers keep “encouraging” me to build my structural skills. But I don’t want to be pushed into a direction I didn’t choose. The problem is, I’m not sure where my own direction will take me either. And when you don’t know, everyone’s happy to hand you theirs.
Maybe this is what it means to stand your ground. I don't have my own path figured out but I know the path that others are trying to put me on isn't right. So, I have to keep pushing back. To resist the urge to get sucked in to their path even when it looks really good at times.
It's about owning my direction in life even if it means I don't know where I am going. It's better than living by someone else's