[19/30] Fool

I like to think I’m not afraid of looking like a fool… but maybe I am.

While traveling around Australia, I realized the one thing I’m oddly insecure about is driving. And I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because, in that moment, everyone in the car is silently judging my performance. And maybe it's some lingering trauma I haven't sort out yet.

It’s a surprisingly vulnerable position. At work, I can hide behind context. I can blame other things. The project conditions weren’t right, communication broke down, the deadlines shifted, etc. But with driving, there’s no one else to blame. It’s just me and that is terrifying.

It's not like I have been in accidents and I am safe driver. What’s strange is that I’m fine being wrong in other areas of my life. I don’t mind being corrected at work. I don’t even mind being wrong most of the time if it leads to something better. Sure, being wrong still sucks but I'll get over it. I may get defensive or even argue but I'll still get over it. I am okay with looking like the fool most of the time.

With driving though, it’s bad, I am genuinely scared to drive. And when I do, I am nervous and afraid all the time. When I think of the shame, I just freeze up.

It’s not a mystery why I don’t drive well. I grew up in Sydney where public transport is everywhere, so I never drove much. I can drive, but I don’t have the hours that most people my age do. Everyone around me understands that, and they’re fine with it. But for some reason, I find it shameful and embarrassing to not driving well.

It bothers me so much that when I _do_ drive, I overthink every little move. The whole experience becomes less about getting somewhere and more about proving to myself I can “drive”. Whatever that means.

I need to spend some time undoing this notion of mine. Maybe spend more time driving and just being okay with a bad “drive”.