[2/30] Desire is embarrassing

I envy people who can post anything online without flinching. The people who can ask for what they want. The people who always seem confident.

Some do it well. Some are just arrogant. But there's something appealing about being able to just say what you think (in a nice way, not just telling people off all the time). But I am always scared and I always overthink everything. Where to sit, what to say, should I walk in front or the back.

I'm scared of what people will really think if I show them more of who I am. Because deeply I think I am not lovable. If I ask for something, I am scared that I'll get punished for it. I'm not a people pleaser, but I do hold back more than I want to. I do argue with people but I always give in because getting the other person to like me is more important than standing my own ground.

That fear didn’t come from nowhere. I know that much.

Writing like this is my way of pushing against this fear. I'm hoping (more like praying) that any backlash is just in my head. That I can ask for things and still be cared for. That I can say what I think and people might disagree, but still want me around. That I can speak honestly and not lose people.