[29/30] Fear of Missing Out
I’ve drawn the line. Made the decision. Flipped the switch.
The 9–5 is not the game I want to be playing. Yes, it’s hard work building something of my own. Yes, it's almost impossible. But, the alternative, is a bad deal.
So why does it still feel horrible? Even though I’ve chosen not to care about this game anymore, I still feel annoyed and left out.
Lately, it feels like I’ve been handed the short end of the stick. First, I was thrown onto a project just to put out a fire. My days was just pure stress and I even got told off for something that wasn’t my fault. Then I moved to another project where I worked 60 hours that week with no overtime pay. Now, I’m playing pretend as a structural engineer because there aren’t enough real ones, making decisions on models I really shouldn’t be touching. It's scary and I have no idea what I am doing.
Meanwhile, everyone around me seems to be having a much better time. They’re engaged, solving interesting problems, and don’t seem to hate life as much as I do.
But seriously, why do I care? I’m annoyed at them for not including me, then annoyed at myself for wanting to be included in the first place. It’s a system I’ve already rejected, so why does it still bother me?
I know these are the costs of playing the long game. The cost of trying to make it on my own and for standing out. But lately it feels like those costs are being rubbed in my face.
Want to make it on your own? Well, you’re not one of us then. Why should we give you the cool stuff?
Part of me is also annoyed because they don’t actually know I’m trying to make it on my own. I’ve hinted at it. I’ve written about it (not that they read what I create). But I’ve never said it outright, so they should treat me as if I’m still playing their game.
Times like these suck. There’s no way around it. Even reminding myself of the long game only helps a little.
But I need to remember the long game. That these things are just distractions and are the cost to pay when trying to make it on my own.