Intuition

It’s a tumultuous time for me right now. I’m wrestling with work, career, and what independence really means. I no longer believe in the 9–5, but I still need it to pay the bills.

Lately, because of company politics, I’ve been pulled into doing structural engineering. That’s not what I was hired for, I’m a computational designer.

The past few weeks have felt like purgatory. I’m doing work I have little experience in without much support. It also feels like I am just fooling around here and I know it's not going well. My manager calls it a “great learning experience,” but every time he says that, my body tells me to run further.

My manager isn't the only one, the whole company thinks I should lean further into structural engineering. And logically, I can’t give them a logical argument against it. But I know it’s the wrong move. My intuition is screaming at me, this isn’t the path I want.

It's hard to uphold that too. I may be able to fend them off today, but next week when I am tired or if they dangle the carrot of a higher pay, I may just cave in.

It’s exhausting, because even thinking about this feels like a distraction. I’ve already let go of the 9–5 as my future. Yet here I am, stuck playing by its rules.

I think I am starting to understand the real price of building something of your own while still working a 9–5. The loneliness. That feeling that you are not like the others and it's a constant battle to defend what you think is right.

But I still rather follow my intuition to my north star than get caught playing games that don't matter.