The fog will lift, if you let it

Okay, something has changed.

It's the same desk, the same computer, the same work.

But I hate it. I hate all of it.

Maybe it's burn out ? I have been working a lot lately. But I don't feel burnt out, I just hate my work.

It's almost lunch. Maybe some food will help. Maybe it's just today. Some sleep should help.

Yet I wake up the next day, still hating everything. Music helps, TV helps, working from home helps but the minute that red dot on Teams starts beeping, I only see red.

The french call this “Ennui". A word I learnt while watching Gilmore girls, my guilty escape from reality. The word describes my feelings perfectly.

Ennui - a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction caused by having nothing interesting or exciting to do

Enough of this. I don't want to be angry anymore. It's time to do something about it. My manager isn't malevolent, I don't fully trust him to solve this. Still, a meeting is scheduled. At least that's something.

We meet. Words flow. I pour my soul out to them, each sentence making me angrier and lonelier. But every thing came out. It just floats in the air while they try to make sense of it. I feel better but their replies weigh me back down. "We'll fix this, we'll see what we can do".

Days pass. Nothing changes. The anger returns, an old friend this time. Perhaps they never understood. Perhaps understanding wasn't their goal. Maybe they just needed an excuse to fire me. And I have just given them one. Okay, time to plan an exit.

Another meeting appears on my calendar. They've noticed my anger.

This meeting feels different. It's hopeful. But it's too late, I've given up. Still they probe with questions, desperate for any insights my wall will offer. "Anything I have to say is not constructive"—corporate language for "leave me be."

But they persist with their relentless questioning. I concede, my walls come down and I am now sharing everything again. I confess my hatred for the work, for this distorted version of what I thought my career would be. It's the first time we truly talked.

The meeting ends and everything feels different. It's clearer, my steps not quite as heavy anymore.

It's the same desk, the same computer and the same work.

But I like it again.

Was it the unburdening? Did they finally understand the specific pain they'd inflicted? Or did they simply extract the secrets my anger had been protecting? Did they finally understand what I was trying to say ?

Maybe it's all of the above. They endured the trial of my anger and won. Their overcame the challenge that is my anger and proved the sincerity of their concern. I wasn't just another HR case.

And so, the fog lifts. Sunlight warms my face. All is well again.

That is, until the next storm comes.

Thanks for reading. This was actually my first post of this style, hope you enjoyed it.